Friends, Family, and Staff Can Help
If you suspect that someone you know has been sexually assaulted or is in an abusive relationship, whether you are a parent, friend, staff member, or acquaintance, please use the following information and guidelines to help you approach that person. If you have concerns about a particular individual, the Talley Center for Counseling Services is available to provide consultation and assistance. It is important to note that many students experience emotional, physical, or sexual abuse from their intimate partners each year. If you are worried about a student and think the problem will resolve itself, it is unlikely to do so. In fact, violence and abuse in relationships tend to persist and often escalate over time if no action is taken to address it. You can make a difference by honestly expressing your concerns. Speak up. While the following suggestions primarily focus on friendships, these guidelines are applicable for parents, faculty, and staff members as well.
- Say something and lend a listening ear Tell them that you care and are willing to listen. Don’t force the issue, but allow them to confide in you at their own pace. Never blame them for what is happening or underestimate their fear of potential danger. Focus on supporting their right to make their own decisions.
- Do not ever judge survivors Express your apologies for the pain they have experienced. Regardless of their actions before the attack, they are not at fault – the perpetrator is. No one should ever experience assault.
- Remind survivors that their confusing feelings are normal They may feel “crazy.” Assure survivors they are not and any feeling or reaction is normal.
- Validate survivors in their feelings Validation is one of the best supports you can provide. A lack of validation leads to feeling completely hopeless and alone, misunderstood, shame-ridden, and further traumatized.
- Do not deny their reality Your understanding or agreement is irrelevant when it comes to support. Understand that what they are experiencing is real to them.
- Become informed. Find out all the facts you can about dating violence. Contact offices on campus that address sexual and dating violence, or contact the local program(s) in your area that assist victims of domestic violence. Look for books about dating violence in your local library. Visit the Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance website and/or call the Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.838.8238. There is also a list of resources on our website.
- Guide your friend to community services. Gather information about dating/domestic violence programs in your area and on campus. These programs offer safety, advocacy, support, legal information, and other needed services. If they ask for advice on what to do, share the information you’ve gathered. Let them know they are not alone and people are available to help. Encourage them to seek the assistance of dating/domestic violence victim advocates. Assure them that their information will be kept confidential.
- Focus on their strengths It’s likely that your friend has been repeatedly told by the abusive individual that they are a terrible person, a poor student, or a bad friend. They might think that they can’t get anything right and that there’s something genuinely wrong with them. Offer them emotional support and assist them in recognizing their strengths and abilities. Stress that they deserve a life without violence.
- If your friend decides to end the relationship Assist them in developing a safety plan. They might consider reaching out to a nearby domestic violence hotline for guidance on creating a “safety plan.” Programs for domestic violence can aid them in exploring their choices and devising a plan to maximize their safety. Individuals experiencing dating violence may encounter heightened danger when attempting to terminate the abusive relationship. Should the abusive individual perceive a loss of control, they may pose a significant threat.
- Find your own support You cannot support someone else if you are not supported. However, do not try to receive that support from the survivor.